Sometimes I wish I didn't make things. I think about just coming in and sitting down on the sofa and not feeling like I should be doing something with my hands. Not thinking about if the shade of red on the box is wrong and perhaps it should be grey. Or if the dimensions are right at all. Right. And I should've cut that paper because now I'll have to fold it tomorrow and I won't have time to sew it. In fact now I've seen all the folded up bits in a pile on the floor I'd like to sew them all together into to maybe a big circle, look how the fold lines line up. But then I'd have to cut and sew them all again because I need them for something else too. And I have 10 of the same books to make (the covers half prepared) but theres a sewing pattern growing in my head and I try to experiment but mess it up and I should've been sewing the books. I try to do too many things at once and none of them turn out right because of it. Or they might be right but I don't feel its the best they could be. I wonder whats the point.

I know you're right to tell me to just get on with it. I hate the sound of myself.


Tell me you feel like this sometimes too?

erm.

I don't know what I'm going to write about today. Perhaps it's that end of the holidays slump. Back to reality.

I get this feeling, when I've had loads to plan and organise, and it creates a kind of boundary in the calendar in my head. I haven't thought past the days I've been looking forward to, and I find myself feeling a bit lost. Like I'm sure there's something I should be doing, or thinking about, but I don't know what it is.

Today is my last day off. And it's raining, but I think I'm going to have to force myself to go out and do something, because if I sit in all day feeling sorry for myself... well, that will be a waste of a day won't it...

This morning I made some bread.


I've been trying out different recipes and flours and rising locations but so far nothing has really matched the idea I have in my head of what homemade bread should be. My last attempt looked so promising when it came out of the oven; lovey brown crust, burst open in the middle, hollow sounding when I gave it a tap, smelt yummy... but it tasted like I hadn't bothered to cook it at all. Like dough. Well, back to the drawing board!


This bread is the no-knead recipe I've read such good reviews of, and it looks pretty realistic! The dough stuck to the tea towel I left it on to rise, but apart from that it tastes pretty good, like a kind of chewy ciabatta..


A bit of garlic butter is in order I think... yum!

wednesday

Today I've been shoe shopping. Not something I relish... I have to find some nice smart shoes for a wedding on Friday (yes it's in 2 days, yes I know I've left it very late!) As I was trecking round the shops in my lunch break and after work I kept getting flashbacks... of hunting for school shoes with mu mum, the week before the start of term, every pair too clumpy or clompy or high or flat or shiny... the list goes on. And today was no better.

I thought it might be good if the shoes were high heeled (smarter?) and matched my outfit (which is already on version 3 as, as you may have guessed, I don't really like smart clothes so keep on swapping them.) But, the only shoes I could find that I could walk in made me look like a man (in my opinion) and now I'm home I've realized that I shouldn't really spend £60 on something I will only use once, make me feel silly and will probably cause me an ankle injury...

So, I've decided that on my final day of shopping opportunity I will play it safe and go with a nice flat plain pair that make me feel comfortable (both physically and mentally!) I think that's the most important thing isn't it...

Anyway, in between stressing about shoes I made a couple of books to add to my collection of structure examples... If only I was organized enough (and skilled enough!) to make some shoes of my own as well :)

another birdie

I'm getting nervous now. About my new job. I'm supposed to be going in next week, before I officially start, to get to know the print room and have a go with the presses and things, but I'm scared! I just realised that I've been making work in the secrecy of my own room for over a year now, with no one there to see when things aren't going how I want (or when I'm having a tantrum because I did it wrong...) Really the only people who get to see those parts are you, and even then I still get to choose what I show you... So when I think of that big open print room, and the people who have employed me because they think I'm good at this sort of thing looking on as I make my mistakes, well, it makes me nervous! But I'm sure I'll be ok, this sort of thing is good for me right?!


So, I thought I better just make a start and this bird is the first thing I'm planning to print there. Its a collagraph plate, it just needs varnishing to protect it then its ready to be inked up and run through the press.

When I think of collagraphs the first thing that springs to mind is card covered with glue and scrunched up tinfoil, coils of string and a bit of someones old net curtain. I've never had much success with them (and I'm sure this is down to my own personal prejudices developed from the big thick lolloping messes I produced and then swiftly disposed off at school) but when my new boss explained the method they teach the students at LCAD I was very impressed at the results the students have achieved, the images had a range of subtle tones, not a bottle top in sight! They use a simple cardboard base and cut out thin layers with a scalpel, some areas are burnished with a bone folder or rounghed up with sandpaper. Thin layers of PVA or tippex can be used to create smoother areas or different textures of paper cut out and attached; it is all kept very flat. The whole thing is then varnished to seal it then inked up like an etching plate and printed....

I'll show you when it's done (even if it all goes horribly wrong :) )

back

Back to work. Back to the city, back to noise and dirt and rush. Back to people everywhere.


Back to the bus stop, and traffic, and worring if the pigeons will one day get run over right before my eyes.


Back to not saying hello in the street.


Anyway...

I've started reading a new book. I'm only a bit of the way in but am really enjoying it, some of the language is really beautiful, and really striking. This morning, on the bus, I was reading to distract myself from the fact I was off to work once more, and this phrase struck me...

Aunt Lovey used to tell me that if I wanted to be a writer, I needed a writer's voice. "Read" she'd say, "and if you have a writer's voice, one day it will shout out,'I can do that too!'"

This just rings so true to me, not about writing but about drawing and making. I sometimes forget I like to do these things, maybe I don't quite have the time, and after a while loose confidence and I don't know where to start. I Forget. But as soon as I look at what others have done, see pictures in a magazine or book, my voice shouts out "I could do that!" "I must try to do that!" I think maybe this is what I mean when I talk about wanting to miss it. I want that creative urge to jump out at me. It's so funny that feeling, that feeling of compulsion to make, to actually get up of my bum and go and get out my stuff and make something. And it's so frustrating to feel that urge rise, then feel it slip away again as the working week goes by.

It felt so wrong today to be sat at that desk today. So against the grain, perhaps it's because it was sunny outside. I felt so trapped. When I think what I could've been doing instead, this time last week I was walking in fresh air, miles away from anyone. I know I'm being melodramatic. I know everone must feel like this when they come back from a holiday. I mean that's why it's a holiday, because its NOT real life. But I just get the feeling that my life could be a little more like that. I don't want to settle for this feeling only 25 days a year. There must be more to it.

At what point do you settle?

hmmm...

I was looking under my bed for some scraps of paper to draw on and I stumbled across these etchings and aquatints of trees that I made in Autumn last year. I knew I'd made them but I thought I only had the plates, not any actual prints. But here they are! It's made me realise how much I miss this type of printing though, process intensive and so much to learn. These prints are just proofs really, and I feel like there's so much further to go with them. Maybe I will take a printing class or something. I think having access to a press makes all the difference, I haven't really discovered a way to print etching plates without one, you just can't get the pressure!

When I finnished my degree I felt so overwhelmed with making art. I felt it had taken over every moment of my life and I had perhaps lost sight of what I wanted to make in the midst of all the assesment and 'advice' I was receiving. I felt like I needed a break from it all, that I was taking it too much for granted. I felt like I didn't know what I actually wanted to make, I needed to miss it again.



Well, now I definitely miss it! Very much so! I feel I'm slowly finding what it is I want to do, without the pressure of it being 'art' or 'craft' or, in fact, anything. It's quite liberating to just do what I like. That may sound silly, (it certainly does to me!) but Art degrees can get so, well... involved. Hmmm. I did these drawings today, they're not finnished yet...



Sorry for the blurry photos... from my phone, and I didn't look at them when I took them, but you get the idea...

Don't know. Now I have no sudio and work full time in a none-too-creative job everything seems to take twice as long to bear resemblance to anything half decent. But that's ok I think.


Am making some spicy sweet potato kebabs for tea (Or poo-on-a-stick as my house mate commented, maybe she's got something there...) and listening to the Gary Stewart Band who happen to be having a rehersal in my living room... You should listen, they're very good!



And finally, in reply to Amisha, the bunny (from previous post) is from 'Nursery Knits' by Debbie Bliss, my Grandma gave me the book (She works in a charity shop and comes to visit with some right treasures, tubs of buttons and knitting needles and books). I think it's still in print, it's full of cute outfits with matching animals and shoes. The rabbit is my favourite though, I'm on my fourth one!


Here is the first one I made for a little baby called Seth. He was made with bright blue pearly wool, lovely!

Right, I'm off.

Back to work

Back to work again today. Sunny weather and I'm back at my desk... oh well, shouldn't complain, will be jobless soon enough, and I've got the week off soon. To make up for my feelings of annoyance at being in an office when I'd much prefer to be drawing or sewing or something, I thought I would show you some pictures of stuff I've made. Stuff I want to carry on making... Here goes.







Bit of a mixture. Wish I'd taken more advantage of having all day to think about (and make!) work, what a luxury. I suppose you never appreciate things until they've gone do you. Hmmm.